THE MEDICINE OF ALLOWING

108 moves in three and a half years.
108 beads on a mala.
A sacred number of completion.

I’d done “the work”
Made amends.
Built a new life.

But somewhere along the way, I started to wonder,

"Is this it?"

It started in an uninsulated trailer in the snowy desert.

I saw myself as banished.
Unworthy.
Cast out.

I get what I deserve.

That whisper followed me even after decades in recovery.

But here's what I didn't hear in the rooms:

It's not that you get what you deserve.
It's that your outer world matches your inner vision.

Every move was an echo of a deeper search -

How do I support myself?
What is my purpose?
AM I WORTHY?

I thought if I worked harder,
did it more perfectly,
became more spiritual -
I'd find my way home.

But the more I tried to control it, the more life kept unfastening my plans.

The work I’d been doing gave me my life back.
But they didn't give me the initiation into living that life fully.

Then one day I stopped.
Stopped forcing clarity.
Stopped hustling for divine direction.

Every time I softened, life spoke.

Every time I unclenched my fist,
the path revealed itself.

By move 105, I was living in an ocean-view apartment in the sky.

Same woman. Different story.

When I could finally claim my own self-worth,
I found home.

Not because I earned it.
But because it was always mine.

The work we’ve done has saved our lives.

But there comes a moment when that work becomes the foundation, not the ceiling.

What if the next step isn't forward...but inward?