THE PERFORMANCE

Who is the clown and who is the monkey?

I have certainly played both roles.

Aping what I thought I "should" be to be seen as acceptable.
Making a fool of myself in all the ways I tried so hard.
Putting on a wig and a smile and rosy cheeks making everything appear happy and perfect.

It was a way to garner attention.
Seeming approval.
Even if it was all a facade.

I lived that facade and its crumbs seemed to nourish me.
At least to the level where I could receive nourishment.

I had played so many roles I didn't know who the real me was.

Then, I let it all fall away.

Because here's the truth I learned after decades of performing:

The real you is what remains when the performance ends.

Every character you've worn has been teaching you discernment.
Showing you what you are not.
The trying.
The performing.
The shape-shifting for scraps of validation.

All of it was necessary.

All of it was medicine.

I lived this so I could learn from it and lead from it.

And today I do.

The woman you're looking for isn't lost.
She's been waiting.
Patient.
Knowing.
While you exhausted yourself trying to become her through doing.

She doesn't need another role.
Another strategy.
Another way to earn her place.

She needs you to stop. To breathe. To remember.